You know, big oaf. I’ve been thinking about what you said, about the supporting and at the moment I felt that you where just a bystander, or that you wanted to just exist and let pteople drag you around the world. And I’m telling you babe, I’m no one to drag you around, that’s not my style, that’s not what I do or aspire to do, as you don’t aspire to be a property. If your aim is to just be dragged around I don’t think anything would work, because my beautiful oaf, I just want to fly around the world, to pick up my own slack and move, and keep moving.
And you know big oaf, I’ve been thinking. Well I was chatting with a good friend, who told me that the biggest issue is that I don’t know exactly what I want or need, and I realized that eventhough I’ve given that advice to other people, to just focus on what you need and work towards what you aspire; I haven’t done that, I none the wiser and don’t follow up my own advice, and that’s my own fatal problem. And that’s the problem I’ll finish now.
What I need:
1. An understanding individual, who listens and gives good advice and if he doesn’t know about any advice, I want him to just hold me and let me work through my stuff.
2. A listener, I don’t want an extraordinary thing, a confident and gayfriend mixed up with a lovely boy. I’m a realistic girl, thing is I want someone who listens up if I’ve got an important occurance, like the presentation of a project that I’ve been working my butt out and asked of him to be there. I want him to aknowledge the occurance.
3. A supporter. If I ask him to be there, just to be there, not every passing moment, but to be there in special occurances like the enlisted above.
4. A generous man. I need a generous man, who can aknowledge the things that he can be and appreciate the things that others have and can reach.
5. An ambitious person. I need ambition in someone but not just the ambition to jump into bed or have vacation. I mean the ambition to live life, to move on, to build something, to do something, that not just enriches him, but enriches us both and if possible other people.
6. I need a cuddler but not a hogger. Someone to cuddle with at night or when ever the opportunity arises but not someone who hovers.
7. A guy who loves movies.
8. A guy who knows his stuff, or has his life partly figured out, just a plan, just something to go on, and knows his limits and will try to surpass them every opportunity available.
9. A person taller than me.
10. A person who doesn’t molest me in public places and knows just the right amount of love in public settings and the wildes amount of ravaging while alone. So this might be gentle and somehow with proper maners.
11. He has to chew with his mouth closed.
12. He as lame as it seems, must have the biological capacity to grow a beard and have abundance of hair, preferably short but not cropper, closer to long.
13. He’s got to have a brain more than anything, a functioning big head and not just thinking with the little one. Just to be clear.
14. He’s got to like or even have the notion to try out new things every week and travel every few months.
15. Maybe play an instrument, love and practice a sport or all of the above.
16. He’s got to respect that I can’t share him with other woman other than his mom and sisters. He aint a thing but, if I allow myself to mix his microbes with mine, I can’t have other microbes flying my way. I kind of have bad health in general and thatstuff won’t help me, plus it somehow hurts with inadecuacy and insecurities.
Oh, and something else big oaf, I appreciate your big spiritual trip, and that idea to support your partner as the wife of “El Cid” did, but I’m not El Cid, nor am I the wife. I’m just me. Someone who canbe the wife, the partner, the crazy friend, the advicer, the lover, sometimes the sad one and sometimes the happy one. And that’s why big oaf, that I can’t be with you, not now and maybe never. It doesn’t matter how much I miss you and how much I love you. I don’t think that you are worth the heart ache anymore, I used to think so but not anymore.
It’s funny how you end up eating mexican food lamenting being a fool.
It’s funny that you go out running and can’t let go of things, it’s just my twisted sense of humour right there, gnaging at my insides with snarky comments I can’t let out in the workspace cause it’s an office and you ought to be a proper civilized human being without emotions, if you have them you’ll be critizced and scrutinized till there’s just ashes of the wonders you can do, because people tend to left the good out of the story and concentrate in the physical, fickle aspects of a person. Which is completely stupid.
It’s no wonder, that when an enchanting young man crosses your path you see stars.
It’s no wonder that you fall a little in uncertainty and emotional bliss with nice comments, good remarcs, the chivalery which I’m not truly familiar with. The juice for the lady cause she’s working and the tutsipop just because.
That’s when you discover that little details kill you and no matter how many times you tell yourself that he’s the guy who got the job because of family ties, he’s a guy who is leaving in 3 months and you are going back home in three months. And maybe it’s because I let myself be cold with him or maybe because I’m cold with people who get too close.
Funny even the ass of a person whom I had a one night stand and have the disgrace to work with, started being attentive towards me. It’s funny, his details didn’t got me, couldn’t forget the months of disdain.
So here I am eating mexican food and berating myself. I hoped for more from someone who now is asking (constantly) about a friend of mine. Cause I’ll admit it, she’s gorgeous and beautiful in all her demanour with grace and functionality she can get into a slaughterhouse and still look like a cute damissel, while I look, like well, a girl who went to a slaghterhouse and got lost for a while just to find her way out with all the splatters her shirt can bear.
So I’ll stop thinking about caressing his face, feeling his beard, getting a hug or going dancing, all of that is just a dream that went away.
And I’ll stop trying to undermine the thing they can have, with my snarky comments about a nail taking out another nail, to what he answered I’m a screw I stay where I get and am difficult to get out.
And my mexican food got cold.